What does he do this man you seek?

So there is no shortage of people ranting and yelling about how no one running for president is any damn good. I'm one of them.

I'm also bored, and I have about 15 minutes left on lunch. I wanted to write something about our coddling and tacit encouragement of the horrible behavior of Muslim countries (IE apologizing to them after the kill us, that sort of thing) but I don't have time to do it justice right now.

Instead, here listed is a wild speculation of how each republican candidate running for president in 2012 might end the world.

Ron Paul
This one is easy. Ron Paul wins the nomination, and narrowly defeats Obama. Immediately, he shuts down the federal reserve. Within a year, all American troops abroad are back on US soil. The resulting economic uncertainty and lack of global policing by us lead to a break down in world order. Europe bravely tries to step up, as does China. China succeeds where Europe fails. Unrelated to all this, North Korea starts nuking people, and is nuked back. Dogs and cats begin living together. Europe declares fealty to China, who is suffering from the radiation of a blown off the map North Korea. Zombies rise up in China, and a nation so populous has no chance of containing it, especially as it is now focused on foreign matters. The radioactive zombie illness spreads across the globe. President Paul shuts America's borders, maintaining us for a time. But eventually the radiation creeps across the planet, and the undead rule the world. President Paul and a rag tag band of survivors starring James Woods hold out for a time at a farm house run by a man named Herschel.

Newt Gingrich
Newt Gingrich eats Ron Paul, gaining his strength and delegates. The resulting momentum, and threats to eat Rick Santorum, lead to his winning the nomination. He narrowly defeats President Obama in the Fourth of July hot dog eating contest to win national support (He eats 86, the president turns in a solid 72 and finishes third behind Newt and Kobayashi). This support leads to his election. He challenges the leaders of all America's enemies to a hot dog eating contest on the next fourth of July with world peace on the line. He is about to win when a latent heart defect causes a heart attack and a "reversal of fortune"which leads to his disqualification. Ahmadinejad, now Ayatollah of America, is offended when the a jewish bus boy at a White House dinner exposed the bottom of his shoe to him, prompting him to attack Israel. The bus boy is actually an alien, and reports this violence to the Representatives of Telah, who deem humans savage and destroy the planet.

 Rick Santorum
God becomes angry with America for electing Rick Santorum, and with the rest of the world for not stopping America from doing so. God begins biblical apocalypse. Santorum is pleased. He's not the anti-Christ, mind you, just awful.

Mitt Romney
I was torn between him, Rick and Obama as to who was the biblical anti-Christ in this scenario. Santorum isn't smooth enough. Obama might be sneaky and evil enough, but Romney has the funds for the job, and no one thinks he's dangerous. Total package really. I digress. Romney wins the nomination in a landslide. Narrowly wins election. Immediately he begins the well known Mormon practice of preparing for the apocalypse. The nation experiences a  time of peace, and is well prepared for national disasters. All the other countries start saying that we're so nice and talented and they like hanging out with us, even though something about is makes them uncomfortable.
With such major focus on the apocalypse, we forget to keep an eye on the rest of the world, where in Russia a scientist clones a wooly mammoth. This seemingly innocent discovery leads to an outbreak of Mad Mammoth Disease, and we all go crazy and die. Mitt dies last and becomes God of his own planet. Other world leaders in the afterlife are confused as they thought Mormons were monotheistic Christians.

President Barrack Obama (Re-election)
The president continues his policies of utilizing executive orders on an unprecedented scale. He defeats the Church in court over the HHS mandate. This galvanizes Catholics who spend the next three years chipping away at the president's psyche. Finally in the final year as a Lame Duck he goes mad, and issues an order forcing all people to use contraceptives every time they have sex. Surprisingly, the nation loves this. His successor, republican President Christie doesn't want to upset chances at reelection and maintains the policy and is reelected. This continues for sometime, and America eventually is annexed by Mexico. Mexico, being incapable of ruling itself, can't rule America. Drug lords take control of our nukes and go to war with their Afghan opium providers. This leads to nukes hitting Pakistan, who says "Oh hell, nah," and blows up the planet.

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 That didn't make any sense did it? Nope. Well really I just wanted a little creative writing exercise and there it was. Mahalo.